dreaming

sometimes i dream.and my eyes are open. my body is here, i see everything and even so, i am dreaming. i feel like i am being caught, and the life is somewhere else, where i cannot get.i could dream one day and not feel a thing, just my body floating.my life inside my head.words come by, feelings come by, but i am just numb on the outside. this is my nightmare.the only thing that keeps me going is the idea that this is just a period, and that all the raw reality is going to come over me again. i know, i should make a step, i should move, but i am just caught, and my dream has taken over. and then i start postponing things. ideas come and come, and they just get stuck into my head, making the dream go round and round, so vivid and so powerful. and then i get frustrated, cause then i realize the power it has and i just feel that i might never get out of this.

and then i fight, i try to get rid of it. and there is anger, and fury, and thoughts get tangled up inside my head, and i then i see figures of people like ghosts inside my head and i start kicking, hitting, punching here and there, and i only see blackness in front of my eyes. just leave me alone. my space, give me back my space!!

the feeling of reality is so vivid that i cannot make out where is dreaming and where is life. life, with all the adrenaline, with all the joy of living.that is why when i am living i am so rough, so determined, to feel every second, to die living. but now i am dreaming and i cannot wake up, it is like i am being under drugs and i can feel everything around me but i just cannot react. i am screaming inside but words fail to come out. i am screaming and i can feel my throat hurting, my chest heating up, but there is no sound, my entire body is just numb.

i am asking for forgiveness, for the time when the dream took over the reality and i have mistaken the reality with the dream, when i mistaken her with the blackness inside the dream. drugs, painkillers, alcohol, nothing can wipe the pain inside, the feeling of hurt, while my body cannot move, while it remains numb and hanging.and then the fear, the fear of doing anything else. i am so afraid that i might do something bad, that i just dread the very feeling of waking up, of going out of the house, because i might be doing it again.
the horror, my body becoming numb, because of the terror of my own thoughts. the frustration of not being able to express what i really want. because in my mind i kill everything. and there are moments when i dream about beautiful things, about sharing and understanding, about sun and music, about mountains and lakes, about riding my bike over the fields of Kansas.and then a smile flourishes in the corner of my mouth and then i wake up.
it is morning, and the smell of fresh grass is filling up my living room.i am looking at the sun, at the light in my room, and i am so amazed how well it can be. i am lying there and i know that everything is all right. it is warm and cozy and i cannot stop enjoying that smell of fresh grass in my living room. it cannot be!the windows are all closed, the air conditioning is off, and even so, this smell of freshly cut grass is just filling every corner of my room. no, it is not my imagination. the smell is really there, i am in down town NY and i am 36 floors above the city, and above all, the closest park is at least 36 miles away from here. it just cannot be right.

i am getting out of my bed and i am starting to search, to see what is causing this smell. i get out of my room , and ..i am just stunned. stupefied, petrified by what i see. a horse, a plain white horse is staying in the middle of my living room.I'm numb again, the scream is stuck inside my chest, my body is not responding again. the nice and cozy atmosphere of my living room turns into a black fog, and i cannot breathe anymore.i cannot understand what is happening. i am lost. inside my mind, in the myriad of rooms that are multiplying inside my head, like in a hypercube that is constantly expanding, adding new black figures that i have to fight with. the hate. i cannot stand the hate anymore. i wish that everything would be fine again, i want the sun back, the feeling of being alive, of feeling love and being loved. instead, i am trapped in this labyrinth continuously evolving inside my head...