sometimes i dream.and my eyes are open. my body is here, i see everything and even so, i am dreaming. i feel like i am being caught, and the life is somewhere else, where i cannot get.i could dream one day and not feel a thing, just my body floating.my life inside my head.words come by, feelings come by, but i am just numb on the outside. this is my nightmare.the only thing that keeps me going is the idea that this is just a period, and that all the raw reality is going to come over me again. i know, i should make a step, i should move, but i am just caught, and my dream has taken over. and then i start postponing things. ideas come and come, and they just get stuck into my head, making the dream go round and round, so vivid and so powerful. and then i get frustrated, cause then i realize the power it has and i just feel that i might never get out of this.
and then i fight, i try to get rid of it. and there is anger, and fury, and thoughts get tangled up inside my head, and i then i see figures of people like ghosts inside my head and i start kicking, hitting, punching here and there, and i only see blackness in front of my eyes. just leave me alone. my space, give me back my space!!
the feeling of reality is so vivid that i cannot make out where is dreaming and where is life. life, with all the adrenaline, with all the joy of living.that is why when i am living i am so rough, so determined, to feel every second, to die living. but now i am dreaming and i cannot wake up, it is like i am being under drugs and i can feel everything around me but i just cannot react. i am screaming inside but words fail to come out. i am screaming and i can feel my throat hurting, my chest heating up, but there is no sound, my entire body is just numb.
i am asking for forgiveness, for the time when the dream took over the reality and i have mistaken the reality with the dream, when i mistaken her with the blackness inside the dream. drugs, painkillers, alcohol, nothing can wipe the pain inside, the feeling of hurt, while my body cannot move, while it remains numb and hanging.and then the fear, the fear of doing anything else. i am so afraid that i might do something bad, that i just dread the very feeling of waking up, of going out of the house, because i might be doing it again.
the horror, my body becoming numb, because of the terror of my own thoughts. the frustration of not being able to express what i really want. because in my mind i kill everything. and there are moments when i dream about beautiful things, about sharing and understanding, about sun and music, about mountains and lakes, about riding my bike over the fields of Kansas.and then a smile flourishes in the corner of my mouth and then i wake up.
it is morning, and the smell of fresh grass is filling up my living room.i am looking at the sun, at the light in my room, and i am so amazed how well it can be. i am lying there and i know that everything is all right. it is warm and cozy and i cannot stop enjoying that smell of fresh grass in my living room. it cannot be!the windows are all closed, the air conditioning is off, and even so, this smell of freshly cut grass is just filling every corner of my room. no, it is not my imagination. the smell is really there, i am in down town NY and i am 36 floors above the city, and above all, the closest park is at least 36 miles away from here. it just cannot be right.
i am getting out of my bed and i am starting to search, to see what is causing this smell. i get out of my room , and ..i am just stunned. stupefied, petrified by what i see. a horse, a plain white horse is staying in the middle of my living room.I'm numb again, the scream is stuck inside my chest, my body is not responding again. the nice and cozy atmosphere of my living room turns into a black fog, and i cannot breathe anymore.i cannot understand what is happening. i am lost. inside my mind, in the myriad of rooms that are multiplying inside my head, like in a hypercube that is constantly expanding, adding new black figures that i have to fight with. the hate. i cannot stand the hate anymore. i wish that everything would be fine again, i want the sun back, the feeling of being alive, of feeling love and being loved. instead, i am trapped in this labyrinth continuously evolving inside my head...
21.3.09
5.2.09
Endless
and
the think is that
in so many ways
the love that i feel
sometimes
has so little things with sex
it is more sharing
tenderness
flowing
being myself
riding the emotion
touching my soul, ur soul
has so little to do with possession
has to do with enlightenment, with
being one
with extending the realms of perception
of touch, of love
with defining you, of defining myself
with kissing the limits of this earth
it is endless touch,
it is u and me, for wishing this moment
longing for closeness and freedom in the very same way.
It is opening our hearts and sharing our breaths, while we touch, while we kiss, while
We Fly.
the think is that
in so many ways
the love that i feel
sometimes
has so little things with sex
it is more sharing
tenderness
flowing
being myself
riding the emotion
touching my soul, ur soul
has so little to do with possession
has to do with enlightenment, with
being one
with extending the realms of perception
of touch, of love
with defining you, of defining myself
with kissing the limits of this earth
it is endless touch,
it is u and me, for wishing this moment
longing for closeness and freedom in the very same way.
It is opening our hearts and sharing our breaths, while we touch, while we kiss, while
We Fly.
1.2.09
Vreau sa simt, sa traiesc ce visez, apropierea ta mai profunda ca orice atingere, corpul meu in corpul tau, una. Vreau sa iti simt rasuflarea pe gatul meu, sa ma musti, sa te simt fierbinte, sa vreau sa ma contopesc cu tine, sa ne pierdem in dans, in muzica ce ne transmite ritmuri dracesti, demult uitate si totusi atat de familiare, atat de firesti, si limbile noastre se contopesc, se unesc si se lupta, buzele sunt muscate, atinse. Momentul e sa atingi, sa simti, sa rupi, sa gemi, sa uiti de tine ca om si sa te lasi dus de val.Vreau sa iti rup hainele de pe tine, sa imi infig mana intre sanii tai, inca blocati de sutienul tau, sa te strang in brate, sa imi afund gura in decolteul tau si sa iti sug sfarcurile, sa ti le musc in timp ce tu iti vari mana intre picioarele mele si ma mangai, imi simt pula cum se misca, cum creste sub apasarea ta si as vrea mai mult, te pun sa iti apesi palma mai tare, sa ma strangi mai puternic, sa simti cum imi svacneste si cum aproape imi vine sa explodez. Mana mea e demult in adancuri zemoase, sfredeleste, in timp ce buzele mele sunt inclestate de ale tale, si limbile noastre se lupta, se amagesc si apoi din nou se intalnesc. Te intorc cu spatele, te arunc in usa sit e strivesc acolo. Te musc de gat, in timp ce iti simt fesele presate in pula mea, ganduri murdare imi trec prin minte, amintirea unui autobus n care nimerisem…situatia e febrile, ametitoare. Iti simt caldura trupului tau si nu mai pot respira, luna ne lumineaza trupurile
Same tide that drew me closer
Pushed me far away
I held the hand the lit the dark night
Then with nothing I could say
I was on the outside
I was waiting for a sign
I set a course for a hidden island
That lay beyond the deceiving silence
I was on the dark side
I was sailing towards the light
I made my way through a sea of sirens
A pirate's life full of worthless diamonds
I try and listen to the music
When the ocean breathes
Wish that I could build a bridge across the sea
And the secrets of the moonlight would carry me
Where the sun meets the water and the sky breaks free
That's where I'll be
Same sign that drew me closer
Jealous howling wind
The memory of the safest shoreline
Never find again
I was on the outside
I was waiting for the right
I fought my way though a sea of violence
But you never heard me scream in silence
I was on the dark side
I was sailing through the night
I'm playing cards at the devil's table
I lost my hand to a hand-less table
Every time I hear the music when the ocean breathes
Make me wish that I could build a bridge across the sea
And the secrets of the moonlight would carry me
Where the sun meets the water and the sky breaks free
Is that where you'll be?
I was on the outside
I was waiting for a sign
I set a course for a hidden island
That lay beyond the deceiving silence
Every time I hear the music when the ocean breathes (I hear the music)
Make me wish that I could build a bridge across the sea (across the sea)
And the secrets of the moonlight would carry me (secrets of the moonlight)
Where the sun meets the water and the sky breaks free (sky breaks free)
I'll be on the outside
Far beyond the rising tide
Where you'll be searching far and wide
For what you lost along the ride
When you sail to find me
Let the wind remind thee
Of a shipwrecked sailor that was saved by a maiden
And sent out to sea
That's where I'll be
A million, million miles away
Sea dreamer 'til my dying day
Pushed me far away
I held the hand the lit the dark night
Then with nothing I could say
I was on the outside
I was waiting for a sign
I set a course for a hidden island
That lay beyond the deceiving silence
I was on the dark side
I was sailing towards the light
I made my way through a sea of sirens
A pirate's life full of worthless diamonds
I try and listen to the music
When the ocean breathes
Wish that I could build a bridge across the sea
And the secrets of the moonlight would carry me
Where the sun meets the water and the sky breaks free
That's where I'll be
Same sign that drew me closer
Jealous howling wind
The memory of the safest shoreline
Never find again
I was on the outside
I was waiting for the right
I fought my way though a sea of violence
But you never heard me scream in silence
I was on the dark side
I was sailing through the night
I'm playing cards at the devil's table
I lost my hand to a hand-less table
Every time I hear the music when the ocean breathes
Make me wish that I could build a bridge across the sea
And the secrets of the moonlight would carry me
Where the sun meets the water and the sky breaks free
Is that where you'll be?
I was on the outside
I was waiting for a sign
I set a course for a hidden island
That lay beyond the deceiving silence
Every time I hear the music when the ocean breathes (I hear the music)
Make me wish that I could build a bridge across the sea (across the sea)
And the secrets of the moonlight would carry me (secrets of the moonlight)
Where the sun meets the water and the sky breaks free (sky breaks free)
I'll be on the outside
Far beyond the rising tide
Where you'll be searching far and wide
For what you lost along the ride
When you sail to find me
Let the wind remind thee
Of a shipwrecked sailor that was saved by a maiden
And sent out to sea
That's where I'll be
A million, million miles away
Sea dreamer 'til my dying day
Anoushka Shankar - Sea Dreamer
20.1.09
Love and Intimacy
I was kinda sad lately, feeling myself secluded from this world. Even if i knew that somehow it was my wish, my will that kept me in that story.But then i saw Spersa and everything started to come. I started recognizing people and feeling at home. I was so glad that i started speaking with them like we were old friends, even if they were people that i only saw once or twice in my life before. There was something that i realized then, that there is a reason, there is a way, there is a path that some people choose to take and it doesn`t matter how much it will pass but when the moment comes, we will all be together.
The theme seemed interesting, intimacy and the fear of intimacy. It seemed interesting given the fact that i needed it, i needed that intimacy so much. I never knew what was that need about, or where it came from. Maybe it was because i lost someone...but i knew that this was no longer there. So i was curious and like a child i have started searching, looking, scrutinizing, but in the same time i was waiting for the things to happen.
I thanked Spersa for adding me on Facebook. I was also glad to see Cristian there, since he has freshly returned from India and so i was so eager to feel the far away lands and the mix of exotic flavours that India is.
And people started comming, even if some of them were late. I was already confident and in good communication with most of the people and the feeling of home was so alive. I was like a host receiving the guests, welcoming them. There were some people from Cluj, figures that were so close, even if i didn`t remember exactly where i met them.
And then it started. A simple exercise, a series of questions and answers. Dirty questions, sincere and direct questions. It seemed strange, but i had a problem in asking the question. I guess that this is something that i will have to look into. Asking questions directly, even if they are strange. I felt more involved with answering them, because it helped me be myself and be one with the other members of the group. We were four in this group. It is funny how some people can be so open about themselves, in accepting themselves as they are. I lost that feeling for a while so it was so good to remember that. There was a woman, in her 50s and she was so open to admit that she hasn`t felt attraction for her husband for about 2 years so she lost her feeling of intimacy, she didn`t needed it anymore. Or she still needed it and maybe the reason for her being there was to find a way of reviving that emotion?
I was closely watching my reactions, the way i felt. I still used to feel a barrier, somewhere, something that stopped me, and i didn`t know why. I knew that i was amongst people that were searching for the same answers i was looking for so there was apparently no reason for me to feel blocked in anyway. But i still felt it and even if myactions seemed courageos in the outside, inside i felt like my space was breaking somewhere. And then the answer came. The second exercise.
We were 21 people and we were supposed to choose a certain space, to create a dance with our eyes closed, and then to feel the space around us. It was strange and nice and the same time and i started already to feel some voluptous energies floating through my body, going up my spine and getting me to a state where i wanted to go crazy and dance like there was nobody there. So i closed my eyes and i started feeling the rythm, allowing it to grow inside me and to fill in every cell of my body. Second by second, minute by minute, everything would turn happier and livelier and also hotter, more passionate, bit by bit. I was expanding and feeling the heat so much, but from time to time i still felt the need to open my eyes to see where the others were. And it was a bog space, created by my hands dancing. I felt a stop when getting into the space that was occupied by someone else, so i started playing with that feeling, so whenever i felt that i breached into someone elses space, and i would feel the boundary, i would break it and try to go there again and to make that space mine. And little by little i wouldn`t feel that hindrance anymore. It was just dancing, accomodation. Feeling alive and nobody gave a hack about what i was doing.
Spersa had a bell, a magic bell, that she would use to bring us back from the revery and make us follow the vibe, the track that she has established for that night. It was good, and i enjoyed every minute of it. The interaction, the dance, the closeness, playing with my private space and sharing it with the space of tottaly foreign people. I was just taking them as they were and loved every bit.
We had to mingle, feel the other people, there was dancing, there was this girl that was so playful and so we danced and changed roles, and then we went to other people and showed our feelings, no matter whether we were the same age, or whether the person that we touched was a woman or a man. Sex was not the matter. Sex, it still had to come. But i didn`t know it then.
I was already dancing with some girl. I felt her so good, that her energies were filling every cell of my body, and i wanted to feel her even more. I would move my hand through the air, following the line of her body, not touching her, just keeping my eyes closed and feeling the vibes that er body was sending so alive and so attracting. I would get my hand close to her palm and would feel her energy and then i would stretch her field further and further. The more i stretched it, the better i felt it, and she would get closer and closer and she will leave her body get even closer. We were already longing for the other and would throw peaks at each other.
Then the next exercise came. We had to build our own space and mark it with a scarf, but this time this space was supposed to be a common one, so it would be a space made from uniting both of our scarves together. We already felt the need to be together, and our eyes would look into the others eyes with so much want. So i was touching her hands and i would feel her warmth, and invite her into my arms.
Suddenly we embraced ourselves and there would be no boundary, no limit, only our bodies so close and holding each other so tight. I would feel her breath, her firm and warm breasts pushing into my chest, the lust and the passion going to such realms i barely could open my eyes anymore. We would cuddle, feel our bodies, everything was so new and unexpected and we wanted more so we got even closer. It was so unreal that i wished it would never break.
And it suddenly happened, she wanted out. I felt her going out, stopping her feelings. I would touch her hand and take her towards me, she would give in a second and then go out. I felt that something broke, that i was left out. It was like a dance where i wanted her in but in the same time i felt her space. I felt the story coming back. Being rejected and not knowing what to do. Now i know, i should have left her go a long time ago. But that was then. I asked Spersa on her opinion on the feeling of seclusion. She would not answer then, she would let me feel my own turmoil, to feel the loneliness that i was already into. I closed myself and even if i knew that it was bad to do such a thing, i did it. The next exercise was already a fiasco. The real closeness. We were already apart and the best of what we could do was to change places. But no communication and she would not look into my eyes again. Was she affraid to let go? I do not know.
But the game started again, and so we changed partners again. The new task was to split ourselves into 2 rows of 14 and 7 people, and the 7 would be kids and the 14 would be parents. The children would be children and they were to choose the parents. It is like in the reality, isn`t it? It is being said that the children are actually choosing their parents before they are born, and also the experiences that they are supposed to go through the lives they have ahead. There was this guy, that seemed so close and i felt like i have known him for ages. He was the kid. I do not know why, but he chose me and an older woman for his ideal parents. So i got to play the role of the father. I have already forgotten about the girl before. Tough luck, shit happens.
I was happy and got involved in the role. So i took my new kid by the hand and my new wife and go to a corner of the room. I wanted to take my son to the swiming pool and to give him a ride with the carts. The exercise was complex and involved a new approach. Being sad, and feeling the anger, the fury and the fire of a fresh fight between the parents. I was still taking it like a game and i would laugh from time to time. I could not feel the sadness and no fury. The mother was passive and very introverted. You cannot get upset with a wall. So i would build my own fury and create the feeling of separation. Maybe i should have escalated it, to create the feeling of a fight.
The childs approach was overwhelming. He had to choose the parent that he would feel the closest resemblance to and hold his hand. So he came to me and took my hand, and looked at it as if i had my heart in my hand. And he would keep it with so much warmth that it would melt my "angry" heart in a second. But i wasn`t angry yet so i was wandering how much did i have to pretend being angry still. The mother was an old woman, in her 6os i guess and she had some sort of a wall in front of her, so i knew i had to make her come out of there, make her get involved. But this was not my job, apparently. It was still the job of the kid to bring us together, so i left it do this. It was just interesting to watch and let the things happen. So he went to the mother and took her hand too, and felt her heart into her palm, and started caressing her, gently. Then he got our hands together, and would hold them together, tight as if he wouldn`t want us to ever break apart. After getting both of our hands together, he had to come and fill in the space that he created with our hands, and then we embraced him. The feeling of peace, of belonging was so overwhelming. And i would love him and the mom also. There was a moment when he had to go and look at us from the distance, at the love that he created, at the union that developed between us. I looked at his face, it was serene and happy, satisfied. I was happy also, and looked at the mom with so much confidence that everything would be just right from then on.
But i wanted to be the kid. I already felt that the feeling of seclusion that i had was part of the way i was treated when i was young, when my father would tell me that i am no good, and he would even tell me this in the front of his friends. He would always tell me to look at his friends children and see how capable were they, while i was such a fraud.
So it was my turn to be the child, to choose my parents. I knew already who i wanted to be the mom, but i was looking for the father, the father that i never had. There was a guy, so masculine and so self sufficient there and i wanted him for the father. I needed a father that would teach me how it is too be secure in life and to be a conqueror. That is what i need. To feel that i can do anything that i want in life and that i can achieve it.
But the father was occupied by somebody else and so i had to choose another one. Funny thing, since there was no man around, i had to pick a woman to be my dad. I was more in the role right now. I was ready to face my real emotions. My parents are divorced, they were always fighting and my father has always been the bad one. So it was not too hard to pretend about my feelings regarding the fights they were having.
So they started feeling angry, and taking distance from one another. And i would feel that anger and i would get close to them and embrace their feelings. I felt the fury, the unsaid words, the sharp looks. I took the hand of the mother and i thought about my mother, about her heart, about the numerous times when she was mistreated and she let my father walk over her heart with his feet. I almost felt like crying and i started talking to my mother in my mind, telling her how sorry i felt, ho i wished that she would have lived another life, how i wished that i could give her a new life and how much i wished that she was happy. I was holding her hand, and wished that my mother would have been happier in her life, joyful. And then it came the time for the father.
I took his hand, almost grabbing it and then i placed it into her arm, holding it firmly, as if i was telling him to take her hand and take care at least now, when he has its last chance to be there. And i held their hands together so firmly. And i got their hands together. I took a step back and looked at them. They were happy together, the game was still one so from time to time they will pretend that they are still upset, but i knew that the worst has passed.
Then i had to enter the space that i created. The love was growing and when i came between them there was so much compassion, so much closeness, so much understanding. I was glad that i could create that and even i knew that this was just a game, i was glad that it happened, that i had the chance of seeing that image of peace and understanding between my parents. They would hold me in their arms and give me their hearts. I opened my heart and our hears were one.
And then we had to split again.
And i got to be parent again. I was better now. I felt relieved and confident. Again the children got to be the choosers. And it came in a second. My previous mom was right now my wife. I wanted her, for her joy, for her playfulness. I do not why but i was more violent this time, i would go and quarrel, and throw furious looks to her. Why did you do this? This is the way you want it?Are you crazy, i will kick your ass damn bitch!These were the words that got into my head!I was furious and i will kick the wall, and my fists would leave traces on the purple painted wall. The fight was almost for real and she would face me and attack me so i would attack her back and throw her into the wall. Off course, i was just pretending but in a way it was more serious than before. And when the child chose the parent it was the mom that he went first to. And i gave him full credit for this. I would have done this also if i was him. He took her hand and looked at her heart. I started looking, and looking at her heart, my heart melt. And i started to feel the love again. And raised my eyes and looked at her. She was still upset, so was i but now it was better. The fire was already cooling down. And then, a miracle has happened. He kissed both of our hands, with so much love and care. And i almost felt stupid for all the fight, for all the anger. With this gesture, so humble and so honest he made both our hearts melt. I thank you my friend for providing me with such an insight. And then he came to fill in the empty but loving space that he created, and we just didn`t know how to love him better. And it was love between us 3 and there was love between me and my wife. I was holding them so firmly and so lovingly in the same time, caressing them and giving them so much safety that i could not believe. And then we thanked each other. Our hearts were healed and i almost forgot that i was upset about being rejected in the beginning of the night. I know that the rejected one was the rejected kid that was so much mistreated when he was young. But now that kid was loved and his heart was healed. There was no need for a fight. And if things go out of your life it is normal. People have their own destinies in life and if your destiny is to have them around for only just a second, try to cherrish that moment as much as you can, because there is no other chance and reviving or trying to bring to life something that already died, it is plain useless. Life is here and this is all that we have!
The theme seemed interesting, intimacy and the fear of intimacy. It seemed interesting given the fact that i needed it, i needed that intimacy so much. I never knew what was that need about, or where it came from. Maybe it was because i lost someone...but i knew that this was no longer there. So i was curious and like a child i have started searching, looking, scrutinizing, but in the same time i was waiting for the things to happen.
I thanked Spersa for adding me on Facebook. I was also glad to see Cristian there, since he has freshly returned from India and so i was so eager to feel the far away lands and the mix of exotic flavours that India is.
And people started comming, even if some of them were late. I was already confident and in good communication with most of the people and the feeling of home was so alive. I was like a host receiving the guests, welcoming them. There were some people from Cluj, figures that were so close, even if i didn`t remember exactly where i met them.
And then it started. A simple exercise, a series of questions and answers. Dirty questions, sincere and direct questions. It seemed strange, but i had a problem in asking the question. I guess that this is something that i will have to look into. Asking questions directly, even if they are strange. I felt more involved with answering them, because it helped me be myself and be one with the other members of the group. We were four in this group. It is funny how some people can be so open about themselves, in accepting themselves as they are. I lost that feeling for a while so it was so good to remember that. There was a woman, in her 50s and she was so open to admit that she hasn`t felt attraction for her husband for about 2 years so she lost her feeling of intimacy, she didn`t needed it anymore. Or she still needed it and maybe the reason for her being there was to find a way of reviving that emotion?
I was closely watching my reactions, the way i felt. I still used to feel a barrier, somewhere, something that stopped me, and i didn`t know why. I knew that i was amongst people that were searching for the same answers i was looking for so there was apparently no reason for me to feel blocked in anyway. But i still felt it and even if myactions seemed courageos in the outside, inside i felt like my space was breaking somewhere. And then the answer came. The second exercise.
We were 21 people and we were supposed to choose a certain space, to create a dance with our eyes closed, and then to feel the space around us. It was strange and nice and the same time and i started already to feel some voluptous energies floating through my body, going up my spine and getting me to a state where i wanted to go crazy and dance like there was nobody there. So i closed my eyes and i started feeling the rythm, allowing it to grow inside me and to fill in every cell of my body. Second by second, minute by minute, everything would turn happier and livelier and also hotter, more passionate, bit by bit. I was expanding and feeling the heat so much, but from time to time i still felt the need to open my eyes to see where the others were. And it was a bog space, created by my hands dancing. I felt a stop when getting into the space that was occupied by someone else, so i started playing with that feeling, so whenever i felt that i breached into someone elses space, and i would feel the boundary, i would break it and try to go there again and to make that space mine. And little by little i wouldn`t feel that hindrance anymore. It was just dancing, accomodation. Feeling alive and nobody gave a hack about what i was doing.
Spersa had a bell, a magic bell, that she would use to bring us back from the revery and make us follow the vibe, the track that she has established for that night. It was good, and i enjoyed every minute of it. The interaction, the dance, the closeness, playing with my private space and sharing it with the space of tottaly foreign people. I was just taking them as they were and loved every bit.
We had to mingle, feel the other people, there was dancing, there was this girl that was so playful and so we danced and changed roles, and then we went to other people and showed our feelings, no matter whether we were the same age, or whether the person that we touched was a woman or a man. Sex was not the matter. Sex, it still had to come. But i didn`t know it then.
I was already dancing with some girl. I felt her so good, that her energies were filling every cell of my body, and i wanted to feel her even more. I would move my hand through the air, following the line of her body, not touching her, just keeping my eyes closed and feeling the vibes that er body was sending so alive and so attracting. I would get my hand close to her palm and would feel her energy and then i would stretch her field further and further. The more i stretched it, the better i felt it, and she would get closer and closer and she will leave her body get even closer. We were already longing for the other and would throw peaks at each other.
Then the next exercise came. We had to build our own space and mark it with a scarf, but this time this space was supposed to be a common one, so it would be a space made from uniting both of our scarves together. We already felt the need to be together, and our eyes would look into the others eyes with so much want. So i was touching her hands and i would feel her warmth, and invite her into my arms.
Suddenly we embraced ourselves and there would be no boundary, no limit, only our bodies so close and holding each other so tight. I would feel her breath, her firm and warm breasts pushing into my chest, the lust and the passion going to such realms i barely could open my eyes anymore. We would cuddle, feel our bodies, everything was so new and unexpected and we wanted more so we got even closer. It was so unreal that i wished it would never break.
And it suddenly happened, she wanted out. I felt her going out, stopping her feelings. I would touch her hand and take her towards me, she would give in a second and then go out. I felt that something broke, that i was left out. It was like a dance where i wanted her in but in the same time i felt her space. I felt the story coming back. Being rejected and not knowing what to do. Now i know, i should have left her go a long time ago. But that was then. I asked Spersa on her opinion on the feeling of seclusion. She would not answer then, she would let me feel my own turmoil, to feel the loneliness that i was already into. I closed myself and even if i knew that it was bad to do such a thing, i did it. The next exercise was already a fiasco. The real closeness. We were already apart and the best of what we could do was to change places. But no communication and she would not look into my eyes again. Was she affraid to let go? I do not know.
But the game started again, and so we changed partners again. The new task was to split ourselves into 2 rows of 14 and 7 people, and the 7 would be kids and the 14 would be parents. The children would be children and they were to choose the parents. It is like in the reality, isn`t it? It is being said that the children are actually choosing their parents before they are born, and also the experiences that they are supposed to go through the lives they have ahead. There was this guy, that seemed so close and i felt like i have known him for ages. He was the kid. I do not know why, but he chose me and an older woman for his ideal parents. So i got to play the role of the father. I have already forgotten about the girl before. Tough luck, shit happens.
I was happy and got involved in the role. So i took my new kid by the hand and my new wife and go to a corner of the room. I wanted to take my son to the swiming pool and to give him a ride with the carts. The exercise was complex and involved a new approach. Being sad, and feeling the anger, the fury and the fire of a fresh fight between the parents. I was still taking it like a game and i would laugh from time to time. I could not feel the sadness and no fury. The mother was passive and very introverted. You cannot get upset with a wall. So i would build my own fury and create the feeling of separation. Maybe i should have escalated it, to create the feeling of a fight.
The childs approach was overwhelming. He had to choose the parent that he would feel the closest resemblance to and hold his hand. So he came to me and took my hand, and looked at it as if i had my heart in my hand. And he would keep it with so much warmth that it would melt my "angry" heart in a second. But i wasn`t angry yet so i was wandering how much did i have to pretend being angry still. The mother was an old woman, in her 6os i guess and she had some sort of a wall in front of her, so i knew i had to make her come out of there, make her get involved. But this was not my job, apparently. It was still the job of the kid to bring us together, so i left it do this. It was just interesting to watch and let the things happen. So he went to the mother and took her hand too, and felt her heart into her palm, and started caressing her, gently. Then he got our hands together, and would hold them together, tight as if he wouldn`t want us to ever break apart. After getting both of our hands together, he had to come and fill in the space that he created with our hands, and then we embraced him. The feeling of peace, of belonging was so overwhelming. And i would love him and the mom also. There was a moment when he had to go and look at us from the distance, at the love that he created, at the union that developed between us. I looked at his face, it was serene and happy, satisfied. I was happy also, and looked at the mom with so much confidence that everything would be just right from then on.
But i wanted to be the kid. I already felt that the feeling of seclusion that i had was part of the way i was treated when i was young, when my father would tell me that i am no good, and he would even tell me this in the front of his friends. He would always tell me to look at his friends children and see how capable were they, while i was such a fraud.
So it was my turn to be the child, to choose my parents. I knew already who i wanted to be the mom, but i was looking for the father, the father that i never had. There was a guy, so masculine and so self sufficient there and i wanted him for the father. I needed a father that would teach me how it is too be secure in life and to be a conqueror. That is what i need. To feel that i can do anything that i want in life and that i can achieve it.
But the father was occupied by somebody else and so i had to choose another one. Funny thing, since there was no man around, i had to pick a woman to be my dad. I was more in the role right now. I was ready to face my real emotions. My parents are divorced, they were always fighting and my father has always been the bad one. So it was not too hard to pretend about my feelings regarding the fights they were having.
So they started feeling angry, and taking distance from one another. And i would feel that anger and i would get close to them and embrace their feelings. I felt the fury, the unsaid words, the sharp looks. I took the hand of the mother and i thought about my mother, about her heart, about the numerous times when she was mistreated and she let my father walk over her heart with his feet. I almost felt like crying and i started talking to my mother in my mind, telling her how sorry i felt, ho i wished that she would have lived another life, how i wished that i could give her a new life and how much i wished that she was happy. I was holding her hand, and wished that my mother would have been happier in her life, joyful. And then it came the time for the father.
I took his hand, almost grabbing it and then i placed it into her arm, holding it firmly, as if i was telling him to take her hand and take care at least now, when he has its last chance to be there. And i held their hands together so firmly. And i got their hands together. I took a step back and looked at them. They were happy together, the game was still one so from time to time they will pretend that they are still upset, but i knew that the worst has passed.
Then i had to enter the space that i created. The love was growing and when i came between them there was so much compassion, so much closeness, so much understanding. I was glad that i could create that and even i knew that this was just a game, i was glad that it happened, that i had the chance of seeing that image of peace and understanding between my parents. They would hold me in their arms and give me their hearts. I opened my heart and our hears were one.
And then we had to split again.
And i got to be parent again. I was better now. I felt relieved and confident. Again the children got to be the choosers. And it came in a second. My previous mom was right now my wife. I wanted her, for her joy, for her playfulness. I do not why but i was more violent this time, i would go and quarrel, and throw furious looks to her. Why did you do this? This is the way you want it?Are you crazy, i will kick your ass damn bitch!These were the words that got into my head!I was furious and i will kick the wall, and my fists would leave traces on the purple painted wall. The fight was almost for real and she would face me and attack me so i would attack her back and throw her into the wall. Off course, i was just pretending but in a way it was more serious than before. And when the child chose the parent it was the mom that he went first to. And i gave him full credit for this. I would have done this also if i was him. He took her hand and looked at her heart. I started looking, and looking at her heart, my heart melt. And i started to feel the love again. And raised my eyes and looked at her. She was still upset, so was i but now it was better. The fire was already cooling down. And then, a miracle has happened. He kissed both of our hands, with so much love and care. And i almost felt stupid for all the fight, for all the anger. With this gesture, so humble and so honest he made both our hearts melt. I thank you my friend for providing me with such an insight. And then he came to fill in the empty but loving space that he created, and we just didn`t know how to love him better. And it was love between us 3 and there was love between me and my wife. I was holding them so firmly and so lovingly in the same time, caressing them and giving them so much safety that i could not believe. And then we thanked each other. Our hearts were healed and i almost forgot that i was upset about being rejected in the beginning of the night. I know that the rejected one was the rejected kid that was so much mistreated when he was young. But now that kid was loved and his heart was healed. There was no need for a fight. And if things go out of your life it is normal. People have their own destinies in life and if your destiny is to have them around for only just a second, try to cherrish that moment as much as you can, because there is no other chance and reviving or trying to bring to life something that already died, it is plain useless. Life is here and this is all that we have!
30.1.08
23.12.07
After 2 weeks
Au trecut doua saptamani. Acum e liniste, amintirea pielii ei, gustul ei, clipele in care ii sarutam buzele, momentele in care o futeam in draci, toate au ramas undeva in urma. Cineva spunea ca e imposibil sa traiesti cu atata intensitate asemenea momente, pentru ca apoi sa nu mai simti nimic. Ei bine, uite ca se poate. Prefer sa ramana asa decat sa ... Variante ar fi multe, dar prea putine care sa insemne o apropiere reala, premisa unei relatii care sa duca undeva.
Au trecut doua saptamani in care au trecut peste mine valuri de energii, de emotii, de ganduri, ore intregi de nelinisti, de dorinte, de razvratire, de incercare de a comunica, de placere la gandul ca am fost cu ea, femeia visurilor mele...si acum in sufletul meu e atat de gol, de liniste.
Nu pot sa ma opresc de la a observa ce ciudat pot evolua lucrurile indata ce ai obtinut ceva ce iti doreai de mult. Dar, asta nu va face decat sa confirme faptul ca in viata asta merita sa iti urmaresti visele, sa nu abandonezi, sa iti concentrezi energia pana in momentul in care filmul s-a terminat si a inceput genericul. Situatia se aplica si acum, doar ca eu nu mai simt nimic.
Poate ca este si efectul sucevei, caci orasul asta cam are efectul de a adormi orice emotie, oricat de puternica ar fi ea. Asa ca sunt curios cum vor evolua lucrurile atunci cand ma voi intoarce in bucuresti si vartejul vietii ma va lua de nou.
Au trecut doua saptamani in care au trecut peste mine valuri de energii, de emotii, de ganduri, ore intregi de nelinisti, de dorinte, de razvratire, de incercare de a comunica, de placere la gandul ca am fost cu ea, femeia visurilor mele...si acum in sufletul meu e atat de gol, de liniste.
Nu pot sa ma opresc de la a observa ce ciudat pot evolua lucrurile indata ce ai obtinut ceva ce iti doreai de mult. Dar, asta nu va face decat sa confirme faptul ca in viata asta merita sa iti urmaresti visele, sa nu abandonezi, sa iti concentrezi energia pana in momentul in care filmul s-a terminat si a inceput genericul. Situatia se aplica si acum, doar ca eu nu mai simt nimic.
Poate ca este si efectul sucevei, caci orasul asta cam are efectul de a adormi orice emotie, oricat de puternica ar fi ea. Asa ca sunt curios cum vor evolua lucrurile atunci cand ma voi intoarce in bucuresti si vartejul vietii ma va lua de nou.
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